Love Yourself First, Know Your Flow: Dr. Carlen Costa | No Schedule Man Podcast, Ep. 38
Dr. Carlen Costa is one of Canada’s most sought-after Sexologist & Relationship Experts. She believes everyone is capable of achieving deep and meaningful intimate relationships; sometimes we just need inspiration to grow them.
Carlen is a dynamic, cheerful soul who clearly loves what she does and has been through quite the journey of self exploration and actualization to become that way. And that is, for the most part, what we discussed in this episode.
Most people I know (including yours truly) struggle daily, at least to some extent, to remain completely true to themselves when it comes to their actions, words and vision. The temptation to “fall in line” or simply to do what others do because it feels “safe” is something I believe most of us can relate to. So just imagine abandoning the path to a potentially fruitful (at least in some respects) legal career in favour of explaining to your family and friends that you’ve decided it’s your mission to become a Sexologist and Relationship Therapist. That’s what Dr. Carlen did. Yes, she got a lot of questions. Yes, she had to block out many hurtful criticisms from people she loved in order to remain true to herself. But she did, and I bet she’d tell you she couldn’t be happier about it.
“If they’re not in my flow, they’re not allowed to catch my wave.”
– Dr. Carlen Costa
Whether Dr. Carlen is hosting “Sex with Dr. Carlen” (an interactive live show) on campuses all over Ontario, giving advice, helping couples through private counselling, providing the dos and don’ts of dating etiquette, displaying the most recent trends in social sex (social media and dating), or writing about where to take your new lover on a hot date, Dr. Carlen has had credible success in connecting people to her message; real sex, real relationships, for people — that’s what she calls “sexy living.”
Honestly, I didn’t quite know what to expect out of my conversation with Carlen. I was fully prepared to talk for an hour about all of the sex-related things that most people I know don’t feel comfortable talking about. And I look forward to having that conversation with her in a future episode! However, this chat quickly showed itself to be about Dr. Carlen’s journey of self-discovery and expression, and when I listened back to it a couple of days after we met, I thought about how it really is representative of the absolute essential need to understand to love yourself first if you’re going to have success in any meaningful relationship. I wasn’t thinking of it at the time, but I realize now that Carlen gives an incredibly helpful description of how she got in line with her own “flow” and what have been some of the ups and downs of maintaining and nurturing that path; loving and nurturing herself so that she could be there for all of those she’s here to help. It sounds simple. It is anything but.
“Everything in your life brings you to where you are now”
– Dr. Carlen Costa
Some of the key things I took from this discussion that you may wish to listen for include:
Honouring & Nurturing Your Awareness – Carlen described a “heavy feeling” that she experienced at the outset of her professional journey. Rather than pushing past it, as so many of us do in the face what we feel we’re “supposed” to do, she listened to it, honoured it, gave it space and looked to truly understand it. She cultivated her self-awareness to truly tune into what her body and spirit were trying to tell her. It’s a great lesson for the rest of us, and one that has served her well again, many times, in the face of subsequent challenges.
Embracing the “Process” – Dr. Carlen took an objective and honest macro view of her life in order to choose the next micro move. She knew it would be a process and she embraced it and then went to work. She describes this at the part where she talks about wanting to have the credibility to be taken seriously, and what she felt that would require. It’s a fabulous lesson in self-awareness and emotional maturity that left me impressed and inspired.
Understanding & Cultivating Intimacy – The word “intimacy,” in my opinion and experience, is largely misunderstood. That’s probably due to the accepted phrase of “being intimate” taken to mean “having sex.” But that’s not what real intimacy is, and we’re missing out! As Dr. Carlen says, “Intimacy is about sharing. It’s about communicating. It’s about connecting. It’s about bonding. It’s about everything other than sex.”
You’re going to love her. Here is my conversation with Dr. Carlen Costa on the No Schedule Man Podcast:
Podcast Episode Links:
Connect with Dr. Carlen:
Official Website: DrCarlen.com
Blog Site: www.sexwithdrcarlen.com
Dr. Carlen referred to her absolute insistence that her clients read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman near the end of the episode. Here’s a link to it (or click the book cover image) if you’d like to learn more about it.
Comments: Have You Had That “Heavy Feeling?”
Have you felt that “heavy feeling” that Dr. Carlen described, but in regards to something in your life? What did you do about it? What was the result? What would you do differently if you could have the situation back?
Please add your thoughts to the Comments Section, below.
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